Genre: Deviant Hearts
by Zeff N Company
Summary: In the comforts of their room, Squall and Cloud take a moment to discuss fan fiction, random pairings, yaoi, and what in the world is wrong with the video game they both enjoy. An AU for Flypipe.
1. Happy Birthmonth, Boys

_Disclaimer: This fan fiction has been written with the expressed permission of Howling-WereWolf, Rogancryd and Aphotic-Wraith from deviantArt._

* * *

"…_**you're Aphotic Wraith?"**_

"_**Last I checked…what, you got a thing for men in drag?"**_

_**The stranger growls irritably as he rakes a hand over his face.**_

"_**Why are you wearing a dress, and which high school girl did you assault to get it?"**_

_**Aphotic barely restrains himself with a few deep breaths, then brings up a finger and jabs it pointedly at the stranger. "That…that really is none of your business."**_

_**Suddenly, there's a low growl. The stranger turns, and in a flash of silver steel, his weapon becomes visible. Aphotic clears the distance between them, and beholds their opponent with an alarmed snarl.**_

"_**The freaking heck is that?"**_

"… _**Behemoth." And the stranger assumes a defensive stance as the creature roars. Beside him, Aphotic reveals a clawed gauntlet in his right hand, and a gun in the other. The stranger smirks.**_

"_**Let's see if you can fight as well as you can dress yourself, pretty boy."**_

_**Aphotic smirks back with a confident flair. "Just try to keep up, won't you?"**_

"…hey."

Squall looked up from his reading to where Cloud was lying stretched across the width of his bed, elbows bent as his fingers busied themselves with the controls. On the small television's screen, the two pixelated figures that were the player characters engaged the larger pixelated figure that was the enemy.

"What's up?"

"You said you've cleared the first half, right?" Cloud tapped the "pause" button firmly as he raised one hand to point at the screen. "How do I get pass Clifford the Red Dog's evil purple twin?"

"Didn't you borrow the game guide?"

"What, this thing?" Next to Cloud was a closed book, cover title _The Official step-by-step Guide to Deviant Hearts by Jiminy C_. The blond scoffed. "I've checked it; it's worthless. Might as well have been written by a cricket in a top hat."

Squall barely withheld his amusement, as Cloud tapped at the hard plastic surface of his controller in a show of impatience.

"Seriously – what do I do?"

Squall went back to his computer, and tapped a few keys in response to a forum comment. "You want the idiot-proof way, or the dramatic fan-service?"

"Let's hear them both."

"The safe method is to put Flypipe Rogancryd on Offensive, then switch control to Aphotic Wraith – Flypipe has higher STR stats, but Aphotic comes with a basic healing spell. Keep him in the back with his gun, and let Flypipe tank. Heal whenever necessary, and the Behemoth will drop after a while," Squall recited without a pause. "The riskier way is to send Aphotic to the back and put him on Auto-Heal, then switch control to Flypipe and have him take the Behemoth head on. Once he reaches low health, you can trigger his Limit Break. Go for one, maybe two breaks, then run for cover before he gets conked out."

_**The beast snarls and brings a huge claw down upon the weakened form before it.**_

"_**ARGH!!"**_

"… Well, that was fun. Flypipe's dead and Aphotic's swearing like a sailor." And Cloud huffed, disgruntled. On the screen, the enemy bore down upon the panicking character; in a moment, the screen washed out to black, leaving the illuminated words "GAME OVER" in their wake.

"Takes a little practice," Squall assured, his expression almost one of empathy.

"…this is honestly the dumbest thing ever."

"So you say, but you're still playing."

"Bite me," Cloud informed the other bluntly, as he started up from his last save point. Once more, he tackled the behemoth, though this time with a little more success, and the two of them fell into a relatively comfortable silence, save for the sounds emitting from the game console's speakers. Such was daily life outside of work – the two had known each other since they were children, and Cloud often visited Squall in his rented apartment, if only to just talk, share pizza and sodas, or – as in the current state of affairs – leech off the brunet's video games.

At last, success reached the blond as the Behemoth fell, and the battle concluded. As the next cut scene was triggered, Cloud turned to look back in Squall's direction.

"…what's that you're doing?"

"One of my online literature mentors got a new account in kingdomArt," the man replied. "Apparently, he's also been actively submitting stuff in that fan fiction site for Deviant Hearts."

Cloud looked skeptical as he jabbed an accusing finger back at the screen. "_This_ game?"

"Don't ask me; I don't make them."

Cloud muttered something crude, and propped his chin on one fist as he stared morosely at the screen. "…just how long is this cut scene, anyway?"

"If you see a noisy girl, then it's almost done." A few moments later, Cloud made a face.

"…I see her, alright… Is that actually Howling Werewolf?"

"Unfortunately."

"…_**nope. She's definitely lost it," the girl quips. As Aphotic's vision clears further, she hops back a step and looks to where the stranger from earlier is standing by the window. "Don't you know anything about being nice to your dates, Flypipe?"**_

"_**I told you, Howling," the stranger mutters back. "That's Rogan. And keep it down."**_

_**The girl sticks her tongue out at him, then prods further. "You didn't answer my question! Hey!"**_

"…_**as entertaining as all this is," Aphotic cuts in. He reaches to his head, and pulls off the wig. "Can I get a change of clothes or something?"**_

_**The girl's eyes bug out. "Ho' snap, you're a dude!?"**_

"_**Last time I checked."**_

"_**Why are you wearing a-?"**_

"_**NOT YOUR BUSINESS!"**_

"_**Shut up, both of you, before they find us," Rogan snaps back icily.**_

"…I don't get this," Cloud muttered, as the game's pacing went up a notch to prepare the way toward the next set of battles. "Why rename the main character of _Gaia Puntasy_ with half of his last name?"

"Maybe because 'Rogan' sounds more masculine…?" Squall fired back distractedly. On the main screen's search option, he switched his category of search to "Author", and went about typing out his mentor's username.

"Seriously…what's wrong with 'Flypipe'? It's unique enough…what does something as flat as '_Rogan_' have that 'Flypipe' doesn't? I just don't get it…"

Leaving Cloud to his rambles, Squall looked down the list, and found the username he had been scouting for. A click later, he found the list…and raised his brow in surprised wonder.

"…humph."

His curiosity peaked, Cloud tilted his head a little as he kept his attention on the screen. "What is it?"

"…seems like there are a lot of people who like writing for just the characters of Gaia Puntasy and TUDD that appear in Deviant Hearts," Squall commented, as he proceeded to scroll through the list of fan fiction links and their summaries. "…well I'll be, look at those trends."

"The fans shipping relations already?" Cloud asked again, as he tapped a button to make Howling use her high-leveled curative magic on Aphotic.

"Something like that," came the reply. "I've found three so far. Who knows how many else…?"

"Hit me."

"Rogan and Howling," Squall listed, earning a raised brow from the both of them. He went on, "Aphotic and Howling, and…heh…Rogan and Aphotic."

Cloud snorted. "Why did I see that last one coming?"

"It's a curse; put a guy in a dress, and he's indiscriminately paired with almost every man he meets."

Cloud hummed in reply as he switched perspectives with a shift of the joystick. On the screen, the pixel character that was now officially known as Rogan struck the enemy upon the head, dealing enough damage to defeat it. There was the usual reward drop, and Cloud was momentarily satisfied that he received new accessories this time. After the party suited up in their new gear, they moved on into the next area. The loading screen appeared, and Cloud looked up again. He was leering, now.

"So…who bottoms?"

"What do you mean?"

"Who's the little lady between the two supposed gays?" at the jibe, Squall snorted in amusement before he answered.

"Some think Aphotic's it, and others think Rogan's it. The rest just let them take turns."

"_**Our airship's in the town square just ahead," Rogan informs, leading the charge. "Now that we've found you, we need to regroup with the other survivors."**_

_**Two steps behind him, Aphotic turns and fires upon yet another monster without breaking stride.**_

"…_**what do you mean, survivors?"**_

"_**Howling can explain everything later," Rogan mutters brusquely, earning an indignant protest from the battle mage guarding their back. "Let's move!"**_

Cloud looked back at the screen as the cut scene ended; even more little hints showed up to herald the coming occurrence of yet another boss fight. "One of them is a cross dresser, and the other's a baby-face with his hair grown out to match his gothic dress sense. Figures…

"What's your mentor's take?"

"Most of his work is pretty indefinite with actual sexual attraction," Squall replied, the smile creeping up his face meeting with less and less resistance. "But one of his earliest pieces has Aphotic on the bottom."

"What's the catch?" still focused on the text he was reading, the brunet's smile finally widened fully into a devilish grin.

"Rogan gets shot in the ass and crotch, and gets stuck in a wheelchair for half the storyline."

Cloud promptly flopped over on his side as he lost his composure completely. On the screen, the party felt the effects of the very sudden control loss, as Howling accidentally hit Aphotic and Rogan with moderate-leveled thunder magic, causing both the latter two to flinch.

"_**Nrgh!"**_

"_**SON OF A-!"**_

And Cloud's thumb jammed upon the "pause" button to stop any of the three from killing each other by accident as he clutched at his sides to ride out the last of his hysterical amusement. By now, Squall had given up surfing through the wide, wide world of fans' views on sexual attraction between two fictional characters, as he now lounged back against his chair to watch the blond rolling on his duvet.

"…is it honestly _that_ funny?"

Cloud coughed a final time, grinned, and at last shrugged. Calm once more, he went back to the game. "So what else is there?"

"Mostly humor," came the casual response. "It surprises me how well two characters from completely different games can be written to be the best of friends, lovers, bed buddies or even soul mates."

Cloud hummed again, and then his brows shot up a few inches closer to his fringe as he stared at the screen. "…uh oh."

Squall picked up the tone, and guessed, "You found him?"

"I found him, alright…!"

"…_**please tell me that's not a monster," Aphotic comments dryly, his eyes wide and staring at the figure that materialized before them.**_

"_**He was not…once," Rogan answers, his eyes narrowed into slits. "A long time ago, he fought monsters. Now…even monsters have more morality than him."**_

"… _**Flypipe," the figure drawls. "Still clinging on to the past, are you?"**_

"_**Shut up, Zeff!" the fighter snaps. With a snarl, he raises his weapon once more. "Howling – you and Aphotic get the ship started. NOW."**_

"_**Fly…!"**_

"_**He can't do anything to me," Rogan cuts her off, his focus trained completely on his nemesis. "Don't worry, I'll catch up…now GO!"**_

_**The girl hesitates, then dashes up the ramp with Aphotic trailing behind. As they disappear out of sight, there is a single flash of motion, and Rogan grits his teeth as he holds up against a forceful surge of energy.**_

_**Silver light twinkles once, and the two weapons clash with a loud chime that echoes for miles.**_

"… _**So… I can't do anything to you…?" the attacker taunts. The fighter smiles wryly.**_

"…_**had to tell her something…"**_

_**Back in the ship, Aphotic pauses and turns, growling with irritation as he glares back down the ramp.**_

"…_**come on!"**_

_**Ignoring the girl's call, his hand moves. The gun comes back out, and he loads the barrel methodically.**_

"_**You start it up – I'm going after him," he mutters. "If that nut thinks himself a martyr, then I'm going to go piss on his grave. Repeatedly."**_

_**Leaving no room for protest, he dashes back out and into the town square.**_

That image froze, and the single "PAUSED" icon blinked repeatedly upon the screen.

"…out of morbid curiosity," Cloud suddenly asked, his tone laced with an almost wary expectation, "Are there any pairings with Zeff in there?"

"…there are, actually." The blond blanched.

"Great Odin above me, don't say it – Zeff and Rogan, or Zeff and Aphotic, and a very fat emphasis on continued rape…?"

"… Alright, I won't say it," Squall replied blandly, and in turn was answered by a string of vulgarities that would make Mr. Highwind blush.

"Bloody _Bahamut_," Cloud concluded with finality, "He's…what, _ten_ years older than either of them?! That's just…wrong on so many levels…!"

Squall looked a little pained as he found yet another fan fiction piece with an evil Zeff deflowering Aphotic in some dark, dark place. "…some prefer to call it an 'abusive relationship'."

"Aren't there _hotlines_ for those?" Cloud moaned, feeling his sanity and IQ drop like rocks in response to his vivid imagination.

"Not in the worlds of Gaia Puntasy, The Unknowable Devil's Dance, _or_ Deviant Hearts, it seems…"

Cloud sighed, and set the controller down as he stared wearily at the figure of Aphotic Wraith, frozen in his action of jumping from cover to take a pot shot at the tall man looming over his fallen comrade.

"…what's the old guy's take on it?" he dared himself to ask. Mercifully, the answer was palatable.

"He avoids even a hint of it like the plague, actually."

Then another thought hit the blond, and he got off from the bed to stand behind his seated friend. "How old _is_ he, anyway?"

"In his mid-to-late thirties, I think," Squall answered. "Still, he has the vocabulary sense of a man in his twenties; interesting conversationalist."

"…could you ask him something for me?"

Squall quirked his brow in question, and listened attentively. In a few moments, he went from wondering…to intrigued.

"…too blunt?"

"No, actually, I was going to ask him anyway…"

* * *

**Leonhart says:**

Does it ever bother you that you're a thirty-going-on-forty-year-old man of faith, writing homoerotic-themed stories to entertain an audience consisting mainly of teenage girls?

**Sephiroth says:**

I'm senile! What do I care?!

* * *

_A/N: This joke-series was started as an early birthday present to Flypipe aka Rogancryd. References used are based on actual conversations between myself, my friend Jimmy, Flypipe and his friend Aphotic ( through msn quotations that he has been generous to show me ). Furthermore, I'd like to thank _pyjamaTerra_ for educating me on what "shipping of pairings" means._

_Will be continued as of when I am able to incorporate more characters into the game._


	2. Happy Birthday, Cloud

_Happy (alternate) birthday, Cloud._

_Disclaimer: This fan fiction has been written with the expressed permission of Howling-WereWolf, Rogancryd, Aphotic-Wraith, pyjamaTerra and Axurel (who also writes for FFNet) from deviantArt.  
_

* * *

_**A single, dangerous looking white wooden pole slices through the air, stopping just parallel to the ground and pointed straight at the top of Aphotic's diaphragm.**_

"_**I do not mean to get technical, but I really am at the end of my rope," the wielder states smoothly. The end of the pole twinkles sinisterly as she continues, "You'll have to excuse the bluntness, good sir, but kindly KEEP OFF THE GRASS."**_

_**Aphotic blanches, and takes the next best action he can think of:**_

"_**AMBUSH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! WE'LL REGROUP AT THE CLEARING AHEAD!"**_

_**Howling and Rogan turn slowly, their gazes trailing after the fleeing figure of Aphotic as he dashes right out of the chapel in record time.**_

"… _**Rogan?" Howling finally asks, "were you going to tell him that Axurel is a friend?"**_

"_**Please – let me enjoy this moment…"**_

_**The pole-wielder appears slightly confused, but relieved and grateful that her herb-and-spice plantation has not been desecrated by any more unknowing feet. At last, she withdraws her staff.**_

"_**Who was that guy? …and why is he wearing a dress?"**_

"…I feel a great disturbance in the forum," Squall decided solemnly. "As if millions of TUDD fans suddenly screamed out in utter disapproval of the OOC display, and were suddenly silenced by the world's apathy."

"I fear a Setzer has happened," Cloud agreed with equal somberness.

The brunet was sitting cross-legged on top of the duvet, the controller in his lap as fingers moved almost lazily over the controls. Beside him, the blond was still flat on his stomach, chin resting atop the blanket as he watched the events on screen over crossed arms. After trying with no success to get pass Zeff, Cloud had given up for the time being, and relinquished his turn. Squall had then started up his own saved copy, providing the other with the rest of the storyline that happened after the party left the now-lost world of _Transomburg_. Their current location was _Palladium Valley_ – one of the remaining worlds that became the survivors' stronghold. And as it was, Aphotic encountered his first meeting with the resident priestess…and yielded interesting results.

"I always knew she'd get mad and kick some butt eventually," Cloud commented, and Squall nodded in agreement. "That should teach people to stop crashing through her roof and falling on her rosemary."

"I'm pretty sure those were her alfalfa," Squall mused. The pixelated characters had finally recovered Aphotic, and were properly introducing him to Axurel.

"After that nameless DSO operative fell on them in _Gaia Puntasy: Pioneers of Chaos_? I'd say the best term now is 'fertilizer'."

Squall chuckled, his thumb fiddling away to maneuver through the choices of which closet door to open. At last, Aphotic found the closet which held used male attire, and at last was able to change. As the game play became more relaxed, Squall changed the topic again.

"So…you're a year older today; looking forward to tonight's party?"

"Who wouldn't? Especially now that we're old enough to get ourselves too drunk to find our own feet."

"I take it you want me to drive you home afterward?" Squall joked casually.

"If I wake up no longer wearing underwear, I'll at least know who to sue in court," Cloud retorted with oily ease.

At last, running out of jibes and jokes, the two were silent again, resigning themselves to the game. As Aphotic was introduced to yet another character – which both men identified as the DSO field agent Terra – Cloud's attention wandered over to the momentarily abandoned computer.

"…okay if I surf a little?"

"Go ahead."

Pushing off the bed, Cloud got up, crossed the room and planted himself firmly in Squall's chair. The sounds of an assault were going on in the fictional world behind the television screen, as the blond found a website address, and then a username.

"You said your mentor has a kA account, right?"

There was a muted exclamation of "_**Whoa there!**_" as Squall caused Howling to successfully duck from a line of gunfire at the very last second. "Yeah, what about it?"

"Have you seen it yet?"

"Don't see the point – most of what he gets up there is also what he put in that fan fiction site…you're looking at it?"

"Sure. I see he has friends already." There was a pause in the conversation as Cloud read a few submitted pieces, and then looked down at the comments. "…any idea who Yuffie is?"

"She's another writer for the fan fiction site; I've seen some of her work…think one of them is called '_Beginnings_'."

"…how about this one – Tifa?" Squall smirked and diverted his attention for a second to reply.

"That one's a fantasy artist with several accounts on kingdomArt. She's got some pretty good stuff that Sephiroth shamelessly takes reference from."

"_**OY!"**_

"Whoops." And Squall turned back with a mildly surprised expression as he quickly salvaged the situation to get Aphotic pass the lethal weapon known as "Wall E0T9". Leaving the brunet to his temporary need to focus, Cloud satisfied his curiosity by looking at some of the submitted works.

* * *

_"Is this honestly it?" Aphotic growled out, glaring vehemently at the other._

_"...what do you mean?" Rogan testily asked, wary for any sudden attempt to turn the tables on his person._

_"Is straddling someone on the floor in compromising positions your answer to everything?"_

* * *

"…ahem…hmm…heh…"

Cloud had a leer on his face by the time he finished reading that chapter. The persistent rattling of gunfire from the speakers had stopped, signaling that the momentary crisis was over. "You're sure he's in his thirties?"

"Yep. Doesn't write like one, does he?" Squall replied easily. Sure enough, all of the much larger party had made it through the primary defenses, and were taking a moment to heal up before they moved further up _Fort Limbo_.

"Unless we ask your landlord and landlady to write some lewd love poetry, we'll never know…!"

"I take it you're reading _The Answer to Everything_?" upon receiving an affirmative grunt, Squall smirked as he selected a choice for the party's next course of action. "If you like your innuendos, then you'll like the next two chapters."

"I'll see…"

"_**Just how much farther do these stairs go on?"**_

_**Leading the charge upward a flight of ivory stairs that spiral toward the very pinnacle of Fort Limbo, the DSO field agent barely turns to answer Aphotic's question with another question:**_

"_**Why don't you ask them?"**_

"…_**it's not one of those endless stairways, is it?"**_

"_**Quiet; don't jinx us!" Howling wails, bringing up the rear with Axurel.**_

"_**Fine, fine," Aphotic grumbles, picking up the pace as he notices Rogan moving a few steps faster. "Death by scaling the staircase to heaven; if this is considered mercy killing, then I'd like to go back and face ol' Wall-E again, thanks."**_

_**Rogan sighs wearily as he continues his way forward. "Sorry about him, Terra."**_

_**The field agent shrugs. "Well, we won't be on this stairway forever – guess we bear with him until then."**_

"_**Are we there yet?"**_

"_**No," both Rogan and Terra answer automatically.**_

"…_**are we there yet?!"**_

"_**No!"**_

"_**ARE WE THERE YET?!"**_

"_**NO!"**_

"_**When we finish saving the worlds, can I kill him, please?"**_

"_**No, Howling."**_

"…it's times like this I wonder why tall, foreboding, and ridiculously complicated architecture always come with flights of stairs that just keep going on for several screens…"

"At least it's funny when the characters complain," Cloud answered. "Glad to see other elements of TUDD incorporated in there besides the dress."

Squall grunted in reply, as he continued to guide the party up the staircase – and Aphotic continued to protest about how illogical it all was to have this many stairs and no lift.

* * *

"_With my last breath, I'll say it – APHOTIC! ROGAN LOVES YOU!!"_

"_HOWLING!!"_

* * *

"Question," the blond suddenly stated; his selection of links had finally led him into Tifa's "Scrapbook" section. "Is it a common trend to turn Howling into a rabid fan girl of all things homosexual between Rogan and Aphotic?"

"So common, it's assumable as fact. Get used to it."

"You're right, though, her work _is_ rather nice…" and Cloud reclined against the chair as he looked upon sketch after sketch. "Ah yes. The wonder that is homosexual fan-pairings: the great golden fantasy that has the girls squeal, and the boys helpless with laughter."

"I prefer to think of it as 'personal preferences'," Squall suggested vaguely. With a shake of his head, the blond tapped at the search box, and keyed in some words. The results he got…were a little underwhelming.

"…I need to be a registered user to see anything with mature warnings?"

"Registered, _and_ of the right age bracket; TOS."

"… Could you log in?"

Pausing his game, Squall answered the call for aid, and in a moment, the screen changed. The brunet did not return to his game quickly enough as he stared blankly at the display of art.

"…why are you looking for pictures of Rogan and Aphotic in rituals of copulation?"

"Innocent curiosity."

"I'd hardly call _that-_" Squall's finger pointed out a thumbnail that looked rather scandalous even when tiny. "-innocent in any way."

A click later, and that same thumbnail was now in full view. The blond raised a brow as his expression grew a little more intrigued.

"…is that position even possible between two men?"

"Why ask me?"

"You're a man. Do you know?"

"So are you. Do _you_ know?"

"Nope… Want to bust the myth?"

"This conversation is over."

And with a rapid clicking of the mouse's button, Squall had logged out once more. "…sometimes, I wonder about you – how is it that you can be grinning away at images of Rogan and Aphotic that are almost pornographic…yet cower at the very thought of either of them with Zeff?"

"You said it yourself," Cloud countered coolly. "Personal preferences."

Then he looked down at his watch, and frowned. "Four hours until the party… Can we eat something?"

"There's some leftover pizza down in the kitchen; ask Shera – she'll heat it up for you."

"Can't I do it myself?" In response, Squall made a face.

"Cid's still a little steamed over the 'frozen lasagna' incident; you'll be lucky to handle anything larger than a dessert spoon in there."

"Duly noted."

In a moment, the door clicked shut as Cloud made his way downstairs to the shared kitchen. Squall plopped himself back down on his bed, stared at the screen and the paused game, and finally picked up the controller again.

"_**I'm going after him. If I'm not back in thirty minutes, pull out and leave. Fast."**_

_**In a moment, Rogan jumps from the ledge, diving feet-first into the swirling portal after Zeff and the stolen artifact. The party stands by the edge, silent, somber…waiting. Suddenly, Aphotic raises his gun, and finds a rather shiny stick slapped against his chest.**_

"_**Sorry, buddy. You heard the man."**_

"_**I heard him," Aphotic retorts evenly. "But I'm not one of you. Not **_**yet**_**. I don't have to follow his orders."**_

"_**I know. But I'm not letting you down there…" a pause, and Terra pushes the blunt weapon further into Aphotic's chest. "…unless you answer this question correctly."**_

_**Aphotic pauses, a little wary of what's coming. "…what question?"**_

"_**I'll make this quick, so listen up: Why do you want to jump into something that is suicidal, and obviously none of your business? One: Because you're ready to die, Two: Because you're confident you'll win, or Three: Because you're a clueless idiot. Well?"**_

_**At first, Aphotic is silent. The others await the choice he will make. At last, he smirks.**_

"…_**I pick Four," he states confidently. "… Because it's in my nature."**_

_**Five counts of tense silence. At last, Terra lowers the metallic rod to her side.**_

"_**Good answer. Now get hopping."**_

_**With a grin, Aphotic dashes off the ledge, and drops down toward the portal with a loud whoop.**_

"…_**he's going to die, isn't he?" Howling muses morosely. Axurel reaches over and pets her comfortingly upon the head.**_

The door swung open again, and the bed jerked as Cloud settled himself down with a warm plate of stacked pizza slices in hand. Already, he had one to his mouth as he chomped with satisfaction.

"Got a boss fight?"

"Got another one of those really long cut scenes."

Squall absentmindedly reached to the plate, and picked up a slice as well. He took a bite, chewed thoughtfully, and paused to study the toppings.

"…wasn't this supposed to be Hawaiian?"

"Shera found out we have birthdays in the same month – don't ask me how – and she got a little creative."

Squall shrugged and took another bite. On the screen, Aphotic finally reached the bottom of the drop, landing easily next to Rogan.

"_**I wasn't expecting you to listen to me," Rogan growls irritably, "but I was hoping for the miraculous chance that I'd be wrong."**_

"_**Oh ye of little faith…why did you even bother?"**_

_**At the retort, Rogan groans and rakes a hand down his face. At last, he gets to his feet and makes his way forward. After a pause, Aphotic follows.**_

"_**So…we're going to fight that guy again."**_

"**I'm**_** going to fight him," Rogan answers tersely. "You're staying here."**_

"_**Not going to happen, and you know it."**_

_**Rogan doesn't answer, as he just keeps walking. Aphotic continues to talk.**_

"_**Like it or not, we're in this one together. So get used to it."**_

_**Rogan suddenly stops, and signals for Aphotic to do the same. In the distance, they can Zeff standing atop the ruins of an old fountain. Hovering over his outstretched hand, the Obsidian Lock – the lock to bind the darkness permanently to all the worlds – seems to exude a malicious aura that swirls like tendrils in every direction.**_

"…_**well. There's your darkness," Aphotic quips. Out comes the gun in one hand, and the gauntlet in the other. "…any advice?"**_

"… _**Be careful," Rogan suddenly mutters. "Zeff is one who messes with your head. He makes you think that his way is the only way."**_

"…in other words, our heroes spent two acts of a three-act play running in helpless terror from a presidential candidate," Cloud concluded with finality. He was already on to his third slice, with Squall munching on his second. "Couldn't they pick a better line to describe the almighty villain?"

"From the looks of how the whole game has been thus far? Probably not."

"And so does the cookie crumble," the blond uttered sagely. Squall smirked over his last mouthful, swallowed, and then swiped the last slice of pizza as he waited for the cut scene to finish.

"How much longer until we need to leave?"

"Two and a half hours."

"Whoop-dee-doo."

* * *

_A/N: This joke-series was started as an early birthday present to Flypipe aka Rogancryd. Now, it's a **shared** present, between Flypipe, Cloud and Leon - all of whom have birthdays in the month of August. Therefore, this here chapter is dedicated to Cloud (let's hope the date of publish says 19/08...).  
_

_Once again, the above events are adaptations of actual experiences, either in real life, or over msn. And yes, Jim and I **do** have weird exchanges like that (and we're both straight, by the way). Chalk it up to knowing each other too well, and living in a constant of denial that we're both actually supposed to be "mature"._


	3. Happy VERY Belated Birthday, Leon

Disclaimer: This fan fiction has been written with the expressed permission of Howling-WereWolf, Rogancryd, Aphotic-Wraith, pyjamaTerra and Axurel (who also writes for FFNet) from deviantArt.

* * *

_Rogan inched in a little nearer now, closing further the impossibly tight space between his person and that of Aphotic's. He leaned in close, and their heads touched as he exhaled – very deliberately – upon the ranger's chin, neck, collarbone…_

_He leered as the one before him reacted instantly with a flush, and whispered the words he knew the other would want to hear:_

"_Oh, baby, the _things_ I'd do to you…"_

_At last, Aphotic thought to show some resistance to the searing hot touch that threatened to melt him. A hand came up to push ineffectively at the fighter's chest._

"_For the last time," he hissed, cursing at the sound of his nervous voice, "I'm _not_ putting that dress on again…and _I'm not gay_."_

"_You keep telling yourself that," came the low, husky response. "I know all your little fantasies about having me inside you…"_

_There was a quiet whimper – it was all the rugged fighter needed to hear as he grinned, reveling in his triumph. He moved like a predator toward a helpless prey, and his hands sneaked under the coat…under that soft T-shirt…under the barriers of cotton and denim…_

_And then there was a strangled squeak from the ranger as Rogan found _exactly_ what he had been looking for._

"_Know why I liked that dress so much?" with no chance for a reply given, he answered his own question: "It gives me better access to your-"_

"… Cloud?"

"Hmm?"

"…why do you have my Deviant Hearts action figures positioned like that?"

"Why, you ask...but do you _really_ want to know?"

Squall blinked, staring at the innocent expression on the other man's face. He gave up with a weary and exasperated sigh.

"You're right; I don't."

In an instant, the brunet closed the distance between them, and deftly removed "Rogan" from where "he" had been posed to mount "Aphotic" in a rather unsettling way.

"It's exactly like this that I wonder why I ever enlightened you to the existence of fan-spurred homosexuality between Rogan and Aphotic."

"I hear they call it 'Rootic' these days." The retort gave Squall a moment of interested pause; the figures that had been destined for their place on his shelf were now settled on the table once more.

"And where did you hear that one?"

"Yuffie and her friend recruited both Sephiroth and Tifa into their shiny new club for all things fuzzy between those two warriors; they call it _RooticRally_."

"…this I've got to see."

"That'll be nice; I can't view half of that stuff without being a registered member."

"For the love of Odin, get your own account already," Squall muttered, even as his fingers found and tapped swiftly at the keys that had him logged in to kingdomArt. In an instant, half of the previously censored images became viewable, and both men paused to blink at the sight of the picture that grandly displayed itself as the featured art with the title "_Happy Birthday_".

The brunet stared openly like a deer in headlights, realizing he had no real idea what he was looking at, yet unable to look away from it. The first to recover and without another word, Cloud stole the action figures from the crook of Squall's lax arm.

The pair of plastic, flexible figurines were soon back in their previous position:

"Oh, Rogan! _Rogan!_

"Such impatience, Aphotic, you know I'm almost there now…

"I can't hold it anymore! I must feel your depths within me!

"…say my name again, sweet thing…say it with all the passion that burns you so…"

"Jumping Jumbo Cactuar on a pogo stick,_ don't give me a darn visual!_" Squall cried out in chagrined protest. Two seconds was all that was needed to extract plastic from plastic once more, though only momentarily.

"Tell me honestly: is this why you got them as my birthday presents?"

"The answer's before you."

"I should've known better… _Will you stop that?_"

"Pay no heed to the cruelly thoughtless words of the tall dark one, Aphotic," Cloud uttered in an impression of Rogan's voice, "he's just bitter and jealous of the beautifully deep and passionately physical love that we share."

"If you ever decide to settle down, know that I mournfully pity your first child."

"There, there," the blond crooned, patting Squall upon the head with a fatherly air. "You know you'll always have me."

"…"

"…"

"…that was awkward," Squall decided.

"… Very," Cloud agreed.

"If I continue my game, would you keep the innuendos to yourself?"

"No promises."

"_**I. Hate. Stupid. Scientists. So. Freakin'. Much," Aphotic grumbles, each word emphasized by another disgruntled kick at the metal wall before him.**_

_**Slouched against a wall on the opposite side of the cell they share, Rogan twitches in annoyance. "Cut that out; you're giving me a headache."**_

"_**I think I'm **_**entitled**_** to being cranky, Commander Gloom-and-Doom," Aphotic snaps back irritably, and kicks the door once more out of spite.**_

"_**First, we climb the longest freakin' stairway ever. Next, we run into the Evil Almighty One himself. Then, he steals the absolute evil artifact of darkness and makes us fight him to get it back. Then, we get our half-dead selves captured by a bunch of crazy morons who think we're his allies. Then, we get locked up and experimented on like a pair of guinea pigs."**_

_**Rogan grunts, finding empathetic agreement despite himself. "The girls have the Obsidian Lock; that's all we can hope for."**_

"_**And once again the day is saved, thanks to the Constantly Defiled Duo…!" the snarky comment goes without any response. "When I signed up for this 'hero of the worlds' business, this was **_**not**_** in the fine print!"**_

_**Rogan smirks at that. "For a professional, he **_**was**_** rather enthusiastic about the issue."**_

"_**YOU CALL GETTING HUMPED BY A TALKING LLAMA AN ENTHUSIASTIC AND PROFESSIONAL PURSUIT OF SCIENCE?!"**_

"I think I feel sorry for the llama now."

There was a hum of acknowledgment, and no more. On the screen, user control was given to allow the characters to explore their prison a little. As Squall prompted the two cellmates to talk a little more before "sleeping" their way into the next phase of the game, Cloud appeared distracted by other thoughts altogether.

"…how would _that_ have worked out, anyway?"

A shrug, and then a verbal answer: "Considering that Aphotic Wraith was originally the incarnate of Hell's Overlord in TUDD, who knows what Miser was thinking."

"But isn't Fred XIII a male?"

"You've obviously not read the 'mpreg' stories off the fan fiction site, then."

Cloud blinked, and a hand came up to scratch reflexively at his scalp. "Em-what? Isn't that a brand of pasta sauce or something?"

"It stands for 'male pregnancy', Cloud."

The blond fell deathly silent in a moment, granting Squall relative lack of commentary as Rogan and Aphotic split up to investigate the suddenly desecrated building that was devoid of life.

"…just how would-"

"I don't know."

"Really, guys don't-"

"-have those parts. I said I don't know."

"Does the old guy-"

"Thankfully, no."

"Thankfully…can I read one?"

"_No_." and in a swift move, Squall shoved Cloud backward to lie flat upon the duvet. "The last thing I need now is something encouraging you to spawn more methods of mockery toward their plastic virginity."

And Cloud raised his brow as he smiled creepily. "… What virginity?"

"… I walked right into that one."

A chuckle, and the fell silent once more. Squall went about the slightly mundane task of having the two characters escape the building, hijack an airship, and return to Palladium Valley. Still on his back, Cloud went back to fiddling with the action figures with a bored air.

"Are there any more…innocent and logical pairings available in there?"

"Where?"

"The genre."

Relieved for a change of topic at last, Squall obliged with his reply: "All the characters get paired with each other here and there, but there's some active discussion as to which man suits the ladies better: the – as quoted – 'down-to-earth' Rogan, or the 'daredevil' Aphotic."

"So apparently, Rootic followers believe that if they're together, they balance each other out neatly?"

"Apparently," Squall had to agree sardonically. "What's the saying for that, again?"

"North pole attracts south pole?"

"Thank you."

_**Aphotic fidgets a little as Axurel casts a healing spell on the scrapes he received. Across from them, Rogan has his undivided attention on the Obsidian Lock, the dangerous artifact yet to have its seal of inactivity reformed. Ghostly tendrils from within its dark depths flicker at him in sinister mockery, and his eyes narrow into a determined glare.**_

"…_**so…priestess," Aphotic states. "Why can't we just re-cast that seal on the blasted thing? Worked before, didn't it?"**_

"_**It's not that simple," Axurel replies, as she inspects one of the cuts on the ranger's arm. "The Obsidian Key was thrust out from the Crystal Prism, which was why the Lock itself started to undo the seal. If we don't seal them together, it won't work."**_

"_**And you're saying that Key is Zeff's evil blade of doom? Joy…"**_

_**The priestess only smiles as she finishes healing him. The ranger inspects the many tears in his coat morosely, and then looks up again as Axurel attempts to heal the stubborn Rogan as well.**_

"_**I'm curious: what is it your religion's about? Haven't seen a set of practices like yours yet."**_

"_**Our church believes in the existence of good and evil forces, and of the powers of the light and the darkness," Axurel answers, all the while sending reproachful glances at the obstinate fighter who refuses to abandon his vigil. "We also believe that the Great Omnipotent watches us through all of time, and that all that happens, happens in the best interests of a true, master plan."**_

_**Aphotic scoffs, giving up any thought of salvaging the tattered clothes that were borrowed to begin with. "According to my beliefs, not only does the Great Omnipotent constantly screw with us on purpose, he also abuses his power to go back in time and do it all over again just because it's the funniest thing he's ever seen."**_

_**Despite himself, Rogan snorts in amusement.**_

"Something tells me they don't like us very much," Cloud commented quietly, now sitting up once more with the pair of figurines set to his right.

"Can't blame them – we've accidentally maimed them, killed them, put them in embarrassing situations with wrong choices, condoned fan-couplings about them in pornographic detail…"

"And we've had one of them cross-dress."

"That we have."

On the screen, Terra and Howling rejoined the party, and the five headed off to the sacred grounds. There, they were introduced to the _Seven Walls of the Sinner's End_. Giving Squall a moment to familiarize himself with the individual portraits of the deadly sins, Cloud found and retrieved "Rogan" and "Aphotic" from their place on the duvet.

"… I've been thinking."

"Is it homoerotic? I'd rather not do that with the painting of near-naked people in compromising positions in my face."

"No, listen: ever wondered what it would be like?"

"What do you mean?" with a question to answer the question, Squall moved on to inspect a different "sin".

"You know… Ever thought of what could be if we were characters of our own games, and met through a collaboration like this one here…and ended up having our relationships and sexuality constantly victimized by fans?"

On the screen, Aphotic suddenly turned to face the "camera" with an uncharacteristically serious expression…

"_**Seriously, dude: you DON'T want to know…"**_

_**Behind the ranger, the picture of Sloth trembles a little, and then falls over with a resounding echo of noise. In a few seconds, the rest of the party hurries over to investigate what happened.**_

"_**Whoops," Aphotic helpfully offers, earning a displeased scowl from Rogan as they inspect the damage.**_

"… _**Good job, idiot; you broke the Fourth Wall. I hope you're happy…"**_

The two men sat in silence, staring with fixation at the screen as they processed what happened only moments ago.

"…either the script writer thinks he's a comedy genius, or that was too creepy for comfort," Cloud concluded.

"Am I allowed to remind you never to ask that question again?"

"Permission granted with all liberty, my humble minion."

With assistance from the struggling joke, the awkward atmosphere was dissolved by a little. Both looked on at the game for a few more uneasy seconds, before Cloud took both action figures and replaced them upon the shelf.

"I think we've played enough video games for a pair of white-collared workers…how about we get out of here and hit the bar?"

Squall shrugged in a show of nonchalant apathy, but was quick to find a save point and close his game. "Sounds good to me."

The screen went blank as the game console was released from its daily service unto the brunet, but as Squall got up from his bed, he found his friend staring warily at him.

"…what?"

"I know that look, and I don't like it."

"What look?" the innocence in his tone went ignored as Cloud held fast to his accusation.

"You're up to something, aren't you?"

"The Fourth Wall has you paranoid by _this_ much? Then you're right, we've been playing too much. Let's go get smashed."

"…if I wake up no longer wearing underwear-"

"-you'll know who to sue. Right. Out the door."

* * *

_Epilogue_:

"…well, that will teach me not to get drunk again… Hmm?"

Setting his mug of coffee down, Sephiroth slipped his glasses back on as he inspected the new message he had received in his inbox. The familiar address and username was all that he needed to look into it further.

* * *

**Leonhart says:**

I have a favor to ask of you…

* * *

As he read the rest of the message, the spectacles nearly slipped off the bridge of the writer's nose as he adopted an incredulous expression.

"What the fu-?!"

* * *

_A/N: And so, Genre: Deviant Hearts is concluded. I apologize for delaying the update way past both Leon's and Fly's original birthdates, but there were several circumstances that prevented me from doing so. In a nutshell, I got drunk._

_For a more detailed and final (perhaps) commentary on Deviant Hearts, a journal entry in my deviantArt account is on its way. Hope to see you there._


End file.
